Does anyone else out there question their own sanity? Too often, lately, I do just that. There are so many negatives around me that I just have to wonder.. what have I done wrong? Why can’t I catch a break?
I have to remind myself constantly that God knows what he’s doing and I just have to be patient. I can’t rely on my own thoughts anymore, I never know what they are from minute to minute. I can be so sure about something, a decision, and just know it’s the right thing, then suddenly everything is out of focus… is this the right decision? Am I just jumping to this decision from hurt, etc? How do I know the difference? When you reach that fork in the road you’re traveling, how can you be absolutely sure which direction to take? Especially when both paths are difficult and hurtful..
It feels like my life is just a disaster right now, nothing is going the way I think it should.. and maybe that’s why? Maybe things are happening to show me that I have choices about my own life, but ultimately God has a plan.. I need to just let go and let God… That sounds like such an easy concept, but when you’re a bit of a control freak, as I am, it’s terribly difficult to just give up all of your problems and concerns and trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to..
And, wow, the time frame! In this world, we are all about the now. Patience has become a lost virtue. We try to teach our children patience, but we don’t practice it ourselves. Why is that?? Is it because the older we get, the faster our own “clocks” seem to be running? That we start to realize we only have so much time here on this earth and we feel the obsessive need to have and do as much as possible in the time we have left? That’s sort of what it feels like for me right now. As I sit here and write this I realize I am answering some of my own questions, maybe this is how I can learn.. But I am definitely having a serious problem with patience. I have a situation that I feel like has been going on forever. I keep thinking it has to come to an end soon, right??
I was in a hurry to have it turn out the way I wanted.. I’m starting to realize I may never get the outcome I want. Maybe that’s what God’s waiting for.. for me to let go and let Him.. Maybe once I finally come to terms with the fact that I have no control over the outcome, then I can finally get the end that is so near. I understand and am slowly beginning to accept the fact that it may not be the outcome I so desperately desire, but I am ready to end this stage of my life and move on… no matter the outcome. I hate admitting that to myself, but I’m just ready to be happy. If I can’t have happiness the way I want it, I have to have faith that I will have it some other way. Otherwise, why are we here? What’s the point in all this?